Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Wednesday 4/25/12
I'm so ridiculously angry. I want to scream at him and hurt him. I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Tax Day 2012
Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts. There are no plans, but the thought is there. I don't always know how to make it through the day. Boyfriend is the only thing that holds me together, like glue, so leaving him for an hour feels like the end of the world. I know it's not, but without him, I feel very alone in this world. There's no warm body or hot sex to distract me, just cold everywhere.
I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow, or the next day. I hope I'll feel better and I hold onto the hope that, at some point in the past, I was happy for extended periods of time and that must happen again. But everyday that goes by sinks deeper and feels like maybe this will finally be the depression I never recover from. Perhaps this is the end, and my hope is foolish.
I don't know how I'll feel when I wake up tomorrow, or the next day. I hope I'll feel better and I hold onto the hope that, at some point in the past, I was happy for extended periods of time and that must happen again. But everyday that goes by sinks deeper and feels like maybe this will finally be the depression I never recover from. Perhaps this is the end, and my hope is foolish.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Thursday, 3/8/12
I stopped taking my medication (self-prescribed) like last week I think. It was all good, I felt great. I had my sex drive back and I felt light for the first time in a long time. But I'm beginning to think that had nothing to do with the medication.
I feel very hollow. I'm very empty. I don't want to move. Thank God it's Spring Break.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, 2/22/12
Yesterday was a bad day. I lost my meds over the weekend and then just decided to stop taking them after I found them because I felt so good. But last night I crashed so hard. I haven't felt that Terrible in a very long time. Experiences like that make me remember why I wanted to kill myself before. The worst part was the utter hopelessness. :(
I took my meds this morning, and I feel better, but not okay yet. You should know, I'm self-medicating with 5HTP and my birth control. It helps, but it's got pros and cons.
Today a friend asked me to explicable my mood swings and here is the text I sent:
"Yeah. There's two basic states: depression and hypomania. Hypomania "below mania" is a lot like being inspired. It's kind of like being in overdrive, all the time. It makes me very honest, very hyper and excited about the world. Of you've ever seen me argue anything passionately, it's a little like that. I can't see consequences and it feels like I'm too awesome to do menial tasks like sleep or homework. Depression comes in 2 flavors: numb and sad. The meds help me keep a grip on reality. Without them, it was always like looking through a foggy glass window. These states feel very permanent and physically can't remember what it's like to feel the other way"
I took my meds this morning, and I feel better, but not okay yet. You should know, I'm self-medicating with 5HTP and my birth control. It helps, but it's got pros and cons.
Today a friend asked me to explicable my mood swings and here is the text I sent:
"Yeah. There's two basic states: depression and hypomania. Hypomania "below mania" is a lot like being inspired. It's kind of like being in overdrive, all the time. It makes me very honest, very hyper and excited about the world. Of you've ever seen me argue anything passionately, it's a little like that. I can't see consequences and it feels like I'm too awesome to do menial tasks like sleep or homework. Depression comes in 2 flavors: numb and sad. The meds help me keep a grip on reality. Without them, it was always like looking through a foggy glass window. These states feel very permanent and physically can't remember what it's like to feel the other way"
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Sunday 2/19/12
Today was a good day as well. I'm having some trouble with stuff, but I feel rational, if that counts at all. I forgot to take my 5 HTP today but surprisingly I feel okay
Saturday 2/18/12
Slept most of the day (preparing for midnight shift) but it was a good day. I'm very grateful for my other half. Today was a pleasantly good day :)
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday 2/17/12
I haven't posted in awhile. That's because I don't think anyone is reading.
I'm feeling very down today. I am very lonely. It doesn't feel hopeless, I'm just very sad. The good thing about this is I know that, logically, I will bounce back. Always. But it's hard to remember that in more than words sometimes. Yesterday I was very high, then very low. And I think I discovered two new triggers: meeting lots of new people at once and arguing. It's a little like 'The Mask' with Jim Carey, the best way to show off how awesome i am / win the argument is to work myself up into such a state of excitement that the chemicals in my brain explode into hypomania and I no longer have complete control.
When I get in a state like this, I'm not completely out of control, but my behaviors are erratic. When I'm up, I am very loud, very honest and I make lots of people laugh. I'm very much the life of the party, the winner of the arguments. But after some consideration, I've realized that i'm not funny, I'm just so bitchy and honest that people think I'm kidding. I end up offending a lot of people as well. :/
When I'm up, my biggest behavioral issues are radical honesty and I can't see the future consequences of my actions. It's a problem, but I'm working on it.
I'm feeling very down today. I am very lonely. It doesn't feel hopeless, I'm just very sad. The good thing about this is I know that, logically, I will bounce back. Always. But it's hard to remember that in more than words sometimes. Yesterday I was very high, then very low. And I think I discovered two new triggers: meeting lots of new people at once and arguing. It's a little like 'The Mask' with Jim Carey, the best way to show off how awesome i am / win the argument is to work myself up into such a state of excitement that the chemicals in my brain explode into hypomania and I no longer have complete control.
When I get in a state like this, I'm not completely out of control, but my behaviors are erratic. When I'm up, I am very loud, very honest and I make lots of people laugh. I'm very much the life of the party, the winner of the arguments. But after some consideration, I've realized that i'm not funny, I'm just so bitchy and honest that people think I'm kidding. I end up offending a lot of people as well. :/
When I'm up, my biggest behavioral issues are radical honesty and I can't see the future consequences of my actions. It's a problem, but I'm working on it.
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