Wednesday, 2/22/12

Yesterday was a bad day. I lost my meds over the weekend and then just decided to stop taking them after I found them because I felt so good. But last night I crashed so hard. I haven't felt that Terrible in a very long time. Experiences like that make me remember why I wanted to kill myself before. The worst part was the utter hopelessness. :(

I took my meds this morning, and I feel better, but not okay yet. You should know, I'm self-medicating with 5HTP and my birth control. It helps, but it's got pros and cons.


Today a friend asked me to explicable my mood swings and here is the text I sent:
"Yeah. There's two basic states: depression and hypomania. Hypomania "below mania" is a lot like being inspired. It's kind of like being in overdrive, all the time. It makes me very honest, very hyper and excited about the world. Of you've ever seen me argue anything passionately, it's a little like that. I can't see consequences and it feels like I'm too awesome to do menial tasks like sleep or homework. Depression comes in 2 flavors: numb and sad. The meds help me keep a grip on reality. Without them, it was always like looking through a foggy glass window. These states feel very permanent and physically can't remember what it's like to feel the other way"

Sunday 2/19/12

Today was a good day as well. I'm having some trouble with stuff, but I feel rational, if that counts at all. I forgot to take my 5 HTP today but surprisingly I feel okay

Saturday 2/18/12

Slept most of the day (preparing for midnight shift) but it was a good day. I'm very grateful for my other half. Today was a pleasantly good day :)

Friday 2/17/12

I haven't posted in awhile. That's because I don't think anyone is reading.

I'm feeling very down today. I am very lonely. It doesn't feel hopeless, I'm just very sad. The good thing about this is I know that, logically, I will bounce back. Always. But it's hard to remember that in more than words sometimes. Yesterday I was very high, then very low. And I think I discovered two new triggers: meeting lots of new people at once and arguing. It's a little like 'The Mask' with Jim Carey, the best way to show off how awesome i am / win the argument is to work myself up into such a state of excitement that the chemicals in my brain explode into hypomania and I no longer have complete control.

When I get in a state like this, I'm not completely out of control, but my behaviors are erratic. When I'm up, I am very loud, very honest and I make lots of people laugh. I'm very much the life of the party, the winner of the arguments. But after some consideration, I've realized that i'm not funny, I'm just so bitchy and honest that people think I'm kidding. I end up offending a lot of people as well. :/

When I'm up, my biggest behavioral issues are radical honesty and I can't see the future consequences of my actions. It's a problem, but I'm working on it.

Wednesday 2/8/12

I feel like shit today. I'm very lethargic and I just can't find the motivation to do anything. It's like I'm in a haze. I thought about dumping the boyfriend today, but I shouldn't. 60s spiderman meme isn't even helping all that much :/

Tuesday 12/7/12

Today was a good day. Met some new people, saw the boyfriend, all together uneventful. But I haven't been able to sleep well in a while.

I wake up a dozen times a night afraid that I've fallen asleep at work or school or while driving. My nights are getting restless. :/

Monday 2/6/12

Sleep: 1:45 AM - 10 AM
Woke up normal
Ate breakfast
Vacuumed

Econ Class:
Can't focus, racing thoughts (like LOUD static)

This is stupid. I don't need help. Hypomania is bullshit, I'm fine. I just get depressed a lot.

It feels like I don't need to take notes because I'll remember it - I don't need to take notes or study b/c it's stupid and I'll remember it all anyway. I'm awesome! :)
I'm hungry.

I can't stop thinking about how stupid this class is. But this is only a voice in my head. I'm trying to remember that last time this happened, last time I felt this way about school and acted on it, I failed every course and my admission was revoked.

I'm feeling rather mean. But I can see the decrease in my notes but I just can't be bothered to pay attention - I only need to write down what he writes down anyway.

I'm not sure if this is a high or a low.

My thoughts are jumping like crazy. My handwriting is getting worse because it takes too much effort to write.

*yawn*

Boyfriend says when I'm up I'm childish and can't see consequences and have a lack of focus.
I wonder if that's true.
I wonder if it's worth fighting or not.

It's weird because I was fine a couple days ago. We were watching Horrible Bosses and it was normal.

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

I went grocery shopping after class. I pulled up to my garage and sat in my car for 20 minutes because I couldn't find the motivation to move.

Boyfriend came over. He makes everything better. :)

Introduction

Hello, my name is Bacon and yesterday I self-diagnosed myself with cyclothymia, it's a bipolar spectrum disorder. This will be my journal of my moods and life and blahblahblah.

I'm not feeling so hot right now. I'm just gonna quit while I'm ahead before I delete this or say something nasty